More like a journal

La la la la la... Besides a creative visualization to plan a trip to LA to accept my Oscar, this is stream of consciousness to get writing here. No block to speak of, just very busy writing all around me but now here.

Do I push the send button to buy two tickets to New York so that Ronald and I can attend the Ad Age Hispanic Creative Awards Gala this Friday evening? We don't yet know if we have tickets to the event, so the executive decision here is whether to go regardless or wait until we're sure in order to book. But what if the flights sell out? I luv JetBlue and feel like they love me back. Mijita Evelyn has graciously invited us to stay at her home in Park Slope, and it's been many months since we've seen each other. That grounds me, because it makes the trip more meant to be. The big question is whether I wait for Ronald in order to confirm, or do it myself as a voilá moment. What will he think about a 7:15 am departure out of Ft. Lauderdale? I think I'll wait a minute or two. But let me put it out there; I am visualizing lovely interactions, and the thrill of experiencing New York together. I see us three on Sunday morning sipping Bustelo on the hammock in Evelyn...

3 am Sunday morning, haven't gone to bed, Ronald viewed a tutorial for color masking video and I've been here, such are the benefits of marriage that Saturday nights can feel so full. We had a glorious dry sunny Saturday and even swam in the ocean. Now the rain drenches outside, and perhaps a lot of friends will show up in the afternoon, one of those parties that just occurs.

A recurring theme in my life is my deprogramming. I am of an intense spirituality, a "nice Jewish girl" deeply involved with G-d, intimidated by the orthodoxy required to really understand the K, but loving it just the same, have stepped into other spiritualities, seeking teachings of the Sufi, the Yogi, the Buddha, all adding to my understanding. For several years I grew into a devotee of a teacher, enthralled in the beauty of her power, knowing i was in the arms of a cult but not caring because of the bliss of the experience, the transformation in me, aware that it was all too controlled,  strange, and incredibly appealing. However, once I realized people were being mistreated, I was out of there, brokenhearted, but seeking the words of kindred spirits and lovers of the I recently encountered a most captivating blog, a poignancy that wouldn't allow me to stop reading, so astoundingly written, with the softness of autumn leaves on the humid, smoky ground of Nove...

Back from space, sopping the air between my nostrils, Dancing rain through my pores, Running through like deepest Arctic This time, hoping the wind will make everything cool.

Don't be shy. Write something. I want to know you're here. Even if you just say, "I was here". Hey, you can even spam, if you'd like. I just want to know who's out there.

I'm feeling a conflict of sorts. I started this blog as a way to unravel my neuroses in a literary manner, to expose my inner self in search of poetry. Then I went and posted my information on that zoom site where people who might hire you can find you. It hit me, that while I'm trying to be real, I may really be providing future clients with tooooo much information. I asked myself, what's most important, deep inside, and the answer is... art. So, I plan to let myself get really gritty but I have to find a more obscure pseudonym than Guru-C, which was my email address for years. For now, I may have to behave as if I were going out for drinks with my co-workers... saying enough so that we can bond and form a friendship, but not so much that I hate myself the next day. Can you live with that? I implore you not to think I'm being fake, just judicious. I challenge you to find "the other me", discussing her frailties and confessing her sins (of the past, of co...